Sexuality and ADHD - Written by 21yr old female diagnosed with ADHD

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My journey with questioning my sexuality started when I was 14 years old, which I recently discovered by finding a question scribbled in bleeding biro ink in one of my old diaries - ‘am i bisexual???’

Wondering about my differences

I’ve always felt different to my friends in this respect, and it showed up in so many ways before I ever even realised the truth of it for the first time. When watching movies, videos, and TV shows, I would always admire the badass woman main character over the man. I mistook it for jealousy, and the eternal question of ‘do I want to be her or do I want to be with her?’ occurred with some of my favourite celebrity crushes as a teenager. I’ve gone through many different sexualities, the way you’d change your hair colour every few months, and until recently, I was still struggling to figure it out. Sometimes I think I still am.

Finding the right label

I first came out as bisexual circa 2019, being a mere youngion, and since then, I’ve gone through thinking that I was pansexual, which lasted maybe 2 weeks, then lesbian, lasting a while, then back to bi, then back and forth between bi and les. I never fuss about it too much because I don’t really view the world intensely through this lens – though I do appreciate the security and finality a label can provide, I wouldn’t stick too harshly to it. I think the problem lies more in being afraid to take steps with what I want. By this, I mean, I’ve always had a preference for women, through anything. Intimacy with men is something that has always scared me to the point of actively ignoring it, or trying to get rid of it, distract myself from it, but undeniably, unchangeably, it still exists, the tiny spark, the attraction to men.

ADHD and relationship with sexuality?

I did wonder before writing this post, how exactly does my sexuality relate to my neurodivergence? And I think now in some ways it might show up here. I’ve always found myself diverging from societal norms in what I consider to be an extreme and intense manner, whether by clothing and personal style, or attitudes to certain aspects of life, relationships, and I think that with women, I feel a lot safer and freer to express myself as naturally as possible, whereas I hesitate with men. I’m averse to brashness and unfortunately I have experienced a fair deal of brute attitudes and apathy, or affected nonchalance when it comes down to men in my life. Personally I think my experience with ADHD means that I am emotionally sensitive, perhaps oversensitive sometimes, and women in general I find better equipped to deal with my mood swings and many confusing and chaotic opinions sometimes. Additionally being with a woman romantically allows you to form a kind of intimacy and mutual understanding through ways that a man never could. However, I would like to get to a point where I can find a way to explore the other side of my sexuality in a way that feels safe for me, and not daunting.

Still learning

I’m still learning so many things about my sexuality as a new adult and this is a time for experimentation in general for me, and I think that it’s a journey that does not necessarily have to be rushed for anyone, especially in a world where there are implicit rules to be on a time clock for certain experiences. It can be at any pace that you want, and it’s not necessarily linear, like many other areas of life. You dictate the path. Being open-minded for me is key, because it leads you to such unexpected and sometimes fruitful results. 

Things I’ve learnt

• Sexuality is fluid; you’re allowed to experiment and explore different identities. 

• The world is becoming a lot more open to new ideas with sexuality. Let yourself be free

• Talking with friends often helps. The more conversations you have about it, the more new ideas you can form and thoughts can be given clarity if you ask for advice from people you trust. 

Top tips 

• Don’t rush into anything you’re not comfortable with. Taking your time is often more gratifying in the end 

• Sexuality is fluid, you’re allowed to experiment and explore different identities. 

• If you have a community or support network it helps you feel more comfortable :)